


Smile

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, im so sorry, im sorry, this will probably hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11057841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: In which they smile.





	Smile

Melinda May didn’t smile. Her heart had been mangled and she’d stopped smiling somewhere between Bahrain and losing everything. She’d gone to her desk every morning, she’d sat in her booth until the sun was down and she’d walked home. And she hadn’t smiled. She’d done what she was supposed to do and she’d gone home, curled up under a blanket and hid from the world until it inevitably found her again the next morning.

And she hadn’t smiled.

But one morning, as she was going through her documents and tried to survive, like every morning, the air around her had somehow changed, had become easier to breathe. 

He’d showed up. He’d rambled and smiled his dorky smile and, without even noticing, she’d smiled back.

And she’d started smiling again. Not all the time, not around everyone. At the beginning, only at him, when they were alone and he said something that was… _him._ As time went on, she’d started smiling more often, more freely. But most of her smiles were still his, were his doing, his achievements .

Whenever Phil smiled, she couldn’t help but smile back. It’d always been that way. She’d let the smile come and tried not to focus too much why his smile made her heart light. She’d smiled with him, and Phil Coulson smiled a lot. Phil Coulson smiled constantly, all the time, at everything. So she’d smiled, too, whenever she was around him. He’d made it so easy, he made everything so easy and so good and her heart so light. She’d smiled with him and tried not to focus on why his smile made her heart beat faster.

And then everything had gone to shit. And he’d stopped smiling.

It hadn't happened overnight, but gradually. At some point she just realized it’d been weeks since she’d seen him smile. Maybe months, even. She’d tried to smile more around him (Daisy had asked her if she was OK one time when she’d done that), she’d tried joking about their past, she’d tried talking about the kids and their crazy antics, but… He’d smiled, he’d smiled politely at everything but the smile hadn’t reached his eyes and the next time she’d see him, he’d look even more miserable.

It broke her heart. It broke her everything.

 

She sat in her bed and tried to read her mystery novel. She was distracted, and found herself reading the same words over and over. She threw the book to the floor in frustration and rested her head on her knees, arms tightly around her legs.

This had gone on for too long. Screw giving him his space. It’d been too long.

 

She found him the kitchen. He sat by the counter with a cup. _Hot chocolate._ He always drank that when he couldn’t sleep. She’d always rolled her eyes at that, telling him the sugar would only make it even more difficult to fall asleep. But that’s what his mother had given him every time he’d went to her at the middle of the night. He always smiled at her lectures but he’d never bulged.

She walked up the counter, sitting down at the stool beside him. He didn’t look up. She wondered if he’d even noticed that she was there.

He stared at the fridge opposite him and he looked so lost, he looked like a little boy again and she just had no idea how she’d ever be able to make any of this better. She couldn’t. He hadn’t been able to, with his pure heart, his never ending love for everything and everyone around him and his unfaltering belief that the world deserved saving. He couldn’t save them this time. How in the hell was _she_ supposed to?

He buried his face in his hands a couple of seconds, breathing in and out. He ran his hands over his face and then he turned to her. He looked absolutely exhausted. She wondered when he’d slept last.

“Are you ok?”

His whole world was in crumbles and he asked if _she_ was ok.

She leaned her elbows on the counter. “Not really.” She looked over at the cup in his hands. “Does _that_ help? _Really?_ ”

He scooted the cup over to her. “Yes. You should try it.”

She picked up the cup and took a quick sip. Then, she grimaced, almost spitting it out. “There’s _alcohol_ in this.” She glanced his way and he didn’t smile, but his eyes had a light she hadn’t seen in a long time. She smiled and softly shook her head. “A _lot_ of alcohol.”

He shrugged. “That’s why it works.”

They sat in silence, listening to the fridge’s soft buzzing.

“I don’t know what to do.” 

He looked up at her and his eyes bled of sorrow and pain and her heart shattered, it broke into a million pieces and she couldn’t breathe anymore. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Melinda. There’s nothing I can do. Everything shatters right in front of my eyes and there’s nothing I can do, there’s _nothing.._.”

He stared down at the counter. “I’m useless.”

She took another sip of the hot chocolate and let the alcohol burn. “No. No, you’re not.”

“I’ve hurt you.” he continued, as if he hadn’t heard her. “I promised myself when I brought you back into this life that I would protect you from ever having another Bahrain again, but you’ve come awfully close again and again and… I’ve failed you” He looked up at her and his eyes were glossy now and _shit, shit, shit,_  “I’ve failed you, Melinda. I’m so sorry.”

She glared at him, suddenly feeling the anger bubbling up. “Now you’re just talking shit.” His eyes avoided hers again. “Stop with this self pitying and taking the blame for everything that has ever gone wrong in this world and putting everyone else’s weight on _your_ shoulders.” He looked at her like he wanted to say something, but she didn’t give him the chance. “It’s _bullshit,_ Phil. You _know_ that it’s fucking bullshit _._ ” He opened his mouth to protest, but, again, she cut him off before he even started. “You don’t think I know about that game? Obsessing over every little thing, of what I should’ve done differently, _if I’d only been better, if I’d only been stronger…_ Thinking about all the people I’ve hurt, the girl, my mom, Andrew…” She paused. “…You.” She didn’t dare to wait for a reaction to that, so she just continued. “Cutting everyone off, isolating myself because I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone, or anything, good in my life…” She clenched her teeth. “That’s bullshit, Phil. It doesn’t lead anywhere, it’s not good for anyone, you only end up hurting people even more and it’s _bullshit_.”

She took another sip and put down the mug. The sound almost made him jump. She deepened her glare. “So stop doing it. You’re better than that.” She turned back her attention to her hands holding the mug. “You’re better than I ever was.”, she mumbled. 

He sat silently beside her a long time. “I’m not, you know.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m not better than you. I’ve never have been.” He paused, for a second. “You have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever come across in my life.” She scoffed. “I’m damaged.” She met his eyes. “You’re not. Not yet. You don’t have to go down that road.” He kept the eye contact and her heart missed a beat. “I’m already halfway to the end." he said. "I got on that road a long, long time ago.”

She scooted the mug back to him. He swallowed it all in one go. 

“What can I do to make it better?” She looked at him, surprised. He seemed a little flushed, like he was shy. The warmth flooded through her body. He was still here, he was still the same. She still had him. The world wanted to kill them both but she still had him.

He drew his shoulders up. “I just… I want to make it better for you. Even if just a little bit.” The affection in his demeanour was overpowering and she silently cursed her body for its reaction to that.

“Just smile”, she answered, her voice a little shaky. “I really need to see you smile right now.” 

And he did.

He smiled, and yes, it was glossed over by sadness and weariness, but it was _genuine_ and she wanted to laugh out of pure joy. 

She reached out a hand over the counter and he took it. 

“I’m happy you’re here.” 

She squeezed his hand and she didn’t have to say anything. He knew.

**Author's Note:**

> i was prompted.
> 
> all my love!! xx


End file.
